Who am I? WHO am I?! I am your GOD! I rule you like a rat rules his cheese. I rule you like a man rules his testicles. I rule you like some kind of great immortal being that RULES stuff! I have magic eggplants. Eat them. They are lonely and want to salsa and swing with your intestinal innards. I also have magical powers. I can fly, see through walls, jump buildings in a single bound, read minds, and pull things out of thin air! I also make the best goddamn grilled cheese sandwich this side of the Pacific Ocean. Cheese is so very goooooood. I rule you! You are weak and pathetic! I am big and…not pathetic. If your name is Johnny, I hate you. You can sniff a squirrels nutty behind if you are one of those… those… JOHNNY’S. I have magic shoes. Wear them. They want you to love them. Wear them or forever hold your peace. Ahhh…peace. Peace is gooooooood. It makes me want to sleep. Jello. Is. SCARY. It wiggles and jiggles and reminds me of other gross things that do that. Jello makes me seasick. Blah. I must go now. My friends from Venus and Uranus are here to play. We want to frolic with the woodland creatures. I have purple carrot sticks. They are magic. Suck on them.
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