Before you read any further into my bio, I'd like to direct your attention to something. If you would, I'd like you to kindly press the "back" button on your internet browser, and look to the upper right-hand corner. Now, if you're not terribly cross-eyed, blind, or unbelievably stupid, then you'll notice the phrase I'm referring to. It says: "Who is he?" This simple, yet incredibly profound question will be the basis for the rest of what I'm sure you'll find to be a dull and tiresome waste of time.

I haven't the slightest inkling as to whether or not you've ever attempted to write a biography of your own, but if you have (which I would find pretty darn funny) then I doubt you had to start it by answering the stupendously idiotic question I have to. Really, who would think to ask someone "who are you?" and expect a brief, uncomplicated, non-conceited-sounding, utterly spectacular biography in return? Okay, okay, I guess no one ever really did have those expectations for me, but this task has caused me to feel immensely pressured. Like I have to produce something smart and witty that will result in instant admirers: the younger ones hoping to be like me when they grow up, the ones about my age asking me to marry them or sign articles of their clothing, and the older ones wishing that I was their grandson. Overkill, you say? A bit full of myself? Not at all. I just have a bit of an overactive imagination. So what? That's what it really feels like to me. I hate when people expect too much. It's not healthy to put so much pressure on a boy. So, I'll defy my imaginary critics and set my own requirements for this biography: sweet and simple, short and to-the-point.

"Who am I?" Why thank you for asking; I'm Kyle. I'm really no one in particular. No one that important or worthy of too much attention. Just a young man who thinks he's clever, is a bit of a pain-in-the-ass at times, and who loves to torment readers with a biography that is way too long without enough meaningful text in it. But, honestly, I do enjoy writing. I'm not a prodigy with a pen (though my sister thinks I am), but I really love to write.

If anything is brought away with you, reader, from this biography, then let it be this: read and write. I assure you that doing so will open up unexplored paths for you, save your life, cause you to fall in love, and help you find true happiness and significance in the world.

There wasn't any intended humor in that last line, merely truth. I think I'll end it here before I turn you away from BAM forever. Please, don't be too angry with me. My bio isn't award-winning and any royalties that I might procure from selling this fairly short manuscript would never put me through college, but it is me. This bio is as close to the real "me" as you'll ever get, reader. And despite the rubbish that fills most this biography's lines, the part that is purely biographical is, as promised, sympathetically short.

I'm not trying to be annoying, I just think I'm clever.