I always get so depressed on my birthday. I’ve never gotten into the whole birthday party thing, and after my parents stopped making me have those cake and ice cream frilly dresses and ribbons in my hair parties, I haven’t had one. I always plan to, but the first obstacle is my deep-rooted fear of having a party where no one shows up, and secondly my birthday always comes out of nowhere. School starts, and three days later, hey it’s your birthday and you SO don’t feel like celebrating.

It’s my birthday birthday birthday and I have homework homework homework, and I didn’t get to see any of my friends and and and… I don’t know. You always have such expectations from this day, like your life’s going to change from being you to dancing queen, young and sweet only 17, etc. And it’s precisely at the moments when you expect life to be the most climactic that you realize how anti-climactic it always is. Just like goddamn summer. You think your entire life will change and that from now on everything will be the way you always wanted it to be and blah blah. But it doesn’t.

I love getting presents. That’s the only reason I even celebrate my birthday. That’s the only reason I have a birthday. I guess that’s the reason people are supposed to have parties, so they won’t get depressed. I don’t even know why it happens.

It’s not even that you started reflecting on time wisely and unwisely spent. It’s more like you realize that you’re still you. Nothing’s changed. Theoretically you could argue that you’re in a completely different place, like I have a car now, I’m a senior now, I feel better about a lot of things now and in general I am like this beacon purveyor of goodwill right now for some reason, but none of that matters. What matters is that you’re still that same you that the advocates of reincarnation and Buddhism teach you is unimportant. The I, the ego, that person that’s going to die.

And I don’t believe in reincarnation or the immortal soul. I as I know myself is going to die. Even if your soul lives on – who cares, I don’t even know what that soul is. I, as this particular arrangement of molecules proteins, even of feelings and qualities, will die. We’ll all die, everyone, everyone who remembers us, maybe even everyone who remembers the human race. And the fact that you remain yourself despite the external changes your life undergoes just serves as a reminder that this is inescapable.

That’s why I get depressed, I guess. That’s why everyone gets depressed I guess. (But that still doesn’t explain why I seem to want to make everyone depressed.) If a birthday falls in a forest and no one is there to witness, will it still make a depression?

The only slightly saving grace is that Adam Sandler is really cute. Other than that, if you’ve seen a bunch of previews don’t bother seeing the movie – the rest is just corny parts. I have to say, I really like Adam Sandler, but I wish he’d put more detail and work into his movies. When I saw Austin Powers, it had a whole bunch of jokes in it, just joke after joke; you could watch it like four or five times and not get bored. Big Daddy just didn’t have that, although it could have. But I probably would’ve liked it a lot better if I hadn’t seen all those damn previews.

But I just can’t leave without criticizing. Alright, like The Simpsons, South Park is a running social commentary/criticism. However, South Park is not always valid. The issue behind this movie is how pissed off the creators of South Park are at the MPAA, and how it doesn’t make any sense that violence is OK, but profanity isn’t, and how it’s not fair that their movie is rated R, blah, blah, blah.

The plot — Terrence and Philip make a movie that gets them imprisoned and eventually causes a war with Canada all because they teach children to swear, which is the same reason parents networks and critics have a problem with South Park. But I don’t understand what South Park has to complain about since when I saw the movie the theater was crammed with kids and we all walked out singing terrible little profane ditties which the movie should be famous for. I just don’t see the whole problem with the MPAA as a valid social criticism. Then again, I’m sure looking for relevancy is the last reason anyone but me would watch South Park, so go see it many many times and memorize all the great lines like Big Gay Al’s – I’m sorry Mr. Cripple, I just can’t feel too bad for you because I’m SUPER, thanks for asking, etc.

The movie was pretty damn good, and I’ll explain why I think so. This is not a movie trying to explain the mind of a killer; this movie has nothing to do with families of victims. This movie is like a haiku, a vision of a moment in time in New York, a story about 10 or so people and what it was like for them to be alive at that time. To make their stories credible you have to work in all the social issues of the time. This is what was done; he worked in disco, the emerging punk undercurrent, drugs, crime and the serial killer that was on everybody’s mind. The serial killer had to be put in because he was a pertinent detail in the lives of these people. That does not mean he is what the movie is about.

You can’t work everything into a movie. For example, what about families whose children got hooked on disco and cocaine and died, what about their devastating loss? What about the hundreds of people that were killed in gang warfare that summer — they’re not in the movie either. None of those things are in the movie because that is not what it is about. The movie starts and ends with a narrator who says – there are 8 million stories in New York City, here’s ONE.

I do think the movie could have been better, because at certain points it does seem like the serial killer motif is not as relevant to the characters’ lives as everything else, somewhere it seemed artificial. It could have had more reinforcement in the plot and the movie would’ve been more logically pulled together. However, the main purpose of a movie is a fictionalized portrayal of how people would actually be acting in reality. This means: cause and effect, event and response, realistic and consistent interaction between characters. All this makes a movie real, and the movie is real and alive. This is so rarely accomplished that I don’t think it’s something to sneeze at and underestimate. (It is also well written, acted, filmed, etc.)

OK, that wasn’t supposed to be a poem, but I guess it gets the point across as well as anything. Seriously, I hate school. Not on general principle, teenage coolness and laziness disease, but because junior year really is too much.

In the beginning, I was motivated (yeah, I’m a dork, I was all excited about learning). The entire first semester I worked my ass off, didn’t sleep, did all my work, and didn’t even procrastinate. And what do I get as a damn reward?? Congratulations, you’re halfway there! You get one day off and start all over again for the second semester!

Do people understand how tiring it is? Second semester is hard enough as it is – having to concentrate with summer on the horizon, damn birds and bees fluttering around everywhere, getting in your eyes. (Not to mention all the wonderful television programming on UPN – new back to back Sister, Sister, how can I not succumb to their wily temptations?)

There are lucrative distractions, but I feel something different – an estranged lethargy. I am so tired. Tired. Sick of it all to hell- there is no meaning in my life-I don’t care-stay in bed for weeks- tired. And no one has any sympathy, because as I’ve discovered, most people slack off first semester and really focus on the second. I just can’t do that. Level with me here, should I be crucified?

According to popular polls, yes. Because schools, teachers and spring couples exist, and these types have no sympathy for my kind. You are a serious student, almost an adult, grin and bear it.

I know I’m not the only one who reaches a breaking point sometime in the school year. I think everyone has a giddy-glazed eyes-shaky hands-loud voice-long depressive crashed kind of breakdown. How do we avoid something like that when everyone’s comes at different times? (Time to get adult like and pragmatic, Katy.)

Well, I don’t know, but we can do something. That’s more than what’s being done now. Criticism – our schools are run with monstrous inefficiency. Teachers and students agree. I blame the bureaucrats in the school districts. (Explain why I’m wrong and I’ll stand corrected.)

Why do we have a ridiculous number of staff development days and days for standardized testing? I’m not complaining about long weekends, but doesn’t it make our school year falsely extended when we could have longer vacations? Hey now, why don’t we have a break between the two semesters? Hey now, why don’t we take the money that goes towards ‘developing’ and buy us some new books?

Maybe if things were carefully and foresightedly (is that a word?) planned, we could cater to individual needs more adequately. Maybe if we fire half of the money termites we can use that money for more teachers, smaller classes, more individual attention; hence a better and more efficient education?

My personal hypothetical explanation of why things suck – administrative jobs are so boring and mucky that no talented or innovative person would want them. The majority of the people that do work there are either opportunistic or lazy. Great, that’s the way to mold our young fragile minds. (Afterwards, we’ll blame it on the violent media.)

Come to think of it, adults don’t ask me that question anymore. Either they lost interest because I’m too old to be a child prodigy, or I’m expected to know already. I’m scared.

It’s such a stupid question when you think about it. Everyone knows approximately what they want to be – rich, famous and popular. And if you don’t, then you have nothing to worry about anyway, since you have virtually no competition. Now that that’s out of the way, I’m scared.

It finally hit me. I am almost an adult, and that is not exciting. What’s so great about it? That you can go to clubs and drink? Please, by the time it’s legal, all interest has evaporated. (Besides, the ‘fun’ stuff is still illegal and you’re close to getting to the age where acting irresponsible makes you look funny.) How about the exciting you can pay your own rent, bills and insurance?

But I’m stereotyping, and we’re trying to battle that. It’s just that my parents expect me to be serious already. They gave me the when- you’re-an-adult-you-can-do-whatever-you-want-we-just-want-you- to-be-happy speech already. (Liars, they already have my successful life planned out.)

What’s scary is knowing ahead of time that in five years I’ll be saying – if only I knew then what I know now. What’s scary is coming to the realization that whatever you choose to do, you have to have money. However you get it, money = survival; for farmers, accountants and homeless alike. What’s scary is that all the fun you have is a mindless distraction, and all the time you spend working makes you dull. And in the end they both lead to the same thing. I’m scared. Thoreau said that we do not ride the railroad, it rides on us. Working for money, what are you doing? That’s your life you’re spending. (But if you cherish ever moment, all it seems to do is become tedious.)

I don’t want to get sentimental. I love money, but I hate working, just a link in the endless chain of people trying to get something for nothing. I guess what really scares me is that I can’t do that anymore because it’s almost time. If you want to be a good person, you’ve got to pay your debts.

A little less than a year ago, I was dissed by the subject of this story. Generally, I don’t think of myself as someone who is very dependent on the opposite sex; in fact, I rather appreciate being alone. So I said I that didn’t care, but getting dissed always hurts. A lot. And I was miserable.

But time heals all wounds, and since he left school, I rarely saw him, and I slowly got over it, even started trusting some people again. Life stopped being dreary and depressing all the time, and became confusing and hectic as it should be. Then about two weeks ago, there he is. Randomly at school and randomly talking to me. And I get this feeling that maybe this time he’s not playing with my head.

The next thing I know, we’re spending time with each other. And I’m really enjoying it. (In my twisted sort of way.) Usually when you spend time with someone, you become disillusioned really fast because you realize that they have nothing interesting to say. But I’m finding that there’s things to say even when there’s nothing to talk about, and it physically hurts me to say good-bye.

It’s exciting, but it’s damn scary. Why?  It all seems so perfect, doesn’t it? But, is he lying? I don’t know. How can you find out? You can’t. Well, don’t get emotionally involved. Too late.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that when people are happy or excited they have a greater tendency to do stupid things. The things may not matter at the time, but in about a week they start to catch up. I know I’m going to have problems balancing him with my friends and with school. I know I’ll be happy and then he’ll do something to devastate me for weeks to come. But when you’re happy, you don’t have the time or the patience to rationalize.

On the other hand, everything I see around me blatantly says — don’t get into a relationship! All of my friends, none of whom are mature enough for it, get into relationships. All of them act like they’re 40 and scared to death of living alone. All of them fight, take each other for granted and break up in a month. It all seems a trifle pointless; a bunch of extra crap we have to deal with for no reason. Is it worth it? And if so, isn’t there a better way?

Having been single for about a year and a half (excluding, of course, my numerous flings on the side), this is too crazy for me. Do I just break it off now? Do I risk getting hurt? Do I believe the wonderful things that happen, even if that means trusting him and myself? Most importantly, is this love or lust? I don’t know, and I hesitate to say that anyone ever will.

My friends smoke. Most of my family used to smoke. And five years down the line, I’m still smoking too. It’s been on and off, but we are all now starting to feel the repercussions — we cough, hock up mucus, and do all sorts of gross stuff. People who don’t understand will ask stupid questions like — why? It’s disgusting, and it tastes bad. It’s bad for you, why do you do it?

Because we enjoy it, that’s why.  Because there’s nothing like a smoker having his morning cup of coffee and lighting up a cigarette. Because nothing compares to the satisfaction of stepping outside, away from stress, having a cigarette and just thinking about it. Because we’re not allowed to do it and we know its bad, so we’re drawn to it. And I guess we also do it because we’re addicted.

One thing I’ve noticed, is that every time you quit and start again, you get more addicted, and it happens faster. At some point you’re just a social smoker, but then you find yourself fiending. School is awful on us. There’s no time for a morning cigarette and by lunch we’re about ready to bite someone’s head off.

Society treats us like cockroaches, especially the adults. The government bans us from bars, restaurants and every public place imaginable. Everywhere I go, if I light up a cigarette, someone is always giving me an evil look. I know it’s bad. As soon as people pass the stage of smoking because they think it looks cool, they realize that it’s bad. We all know we have to quit. Why do people have to make it that much worse by constantly nagging us about it? Everyone always throws in their two cents. Adults will give you the "don’t-you-know-you’ll-get-lung-cancer" or the "you’re-too-young speech". And most of the time, they honestly think they’re telling you something new. They really want to feel like they did their good deed for the day.

But this really isn’t the way to attack the problem. Kids smoke because they’re not supposed to, and the more people keep telling us to quit and chasing us with pamphlets, models of larynxes and pictures of diseased lungs, the cooler we’ll be if we keep smoking.

The purpose of this article isn’t to condone smoking, however, because the habit and addiction is bad. The feeling of being addicted to something, of depending on something other than yourself, the whole idea of breathing poison, all those things are only a fraction of the evils of cigarettes. What I’m trying to say is — you’ve educated us. Now lay off and let us deal with the problem ourselves.

And what about the cigarette tax?  My personal opinion is that it is pointless and unconstitutional. Why don’t we regulate all the poisons that go into our air from industries instead? It’s not going to stop kids from buying cigarettes, and it is unfair to the adults for whom it’s legal.

My suggestion is… make cigarettes legal. Better yet, use good old reverse psychology. Encourage us to smoke, and just watch how fast we stop. Just watch out. Since the war between teenagers and authority figures must go on, it will be a matter of seconds before something comes along to replace cigarettes. And if it’s something like heroin, won’t we all be much sorrier?

This new breakthrough in hair coloring technology (which in the context of television commercials is equivalent to rocket science) advertises an end to flat color. Call me a skeptic, but I’ve never noticed color having volume. How exactly can color be flat? It can be dull, and it can be faded but please tell me, what exactly is flat color? If someone can show me flat color or color with a volume, I will eat my words with a fork and knife. (Literally.)

Big Red Commercials

When the announcer says that, "No little cinnamon gum freshens breath longer than Big Red", a hand holds up the tiniest stick of gum I have ever seen. Oops, I’m wrong, the tiniest stick of gum I have NEVER seen. Have you or anyone you know seen sticks of gum that size? Are they sold or manufactured? Why is Big Red so adamant about competing with a product that doesn’t exist?

Phone Companies

At first, it was 10-321, and we thought, hey, we can handle this. Now, it’s 10-10-321, and a whole bunch of other confusing numbers we can’t remember. California ranks 48th in math comprehension and ability in the country. Please take your numbers and leave us poor math challenged people alone. We honestly can’t tell the difference between or care about the six or more different companies now competing with each other.

Shoe Commercials

It’s very interesting how a shoe commercial’s main focus is on a person breaking all the rules and boundaries supposedly set by an oppressive society. "Buy our shoes", they say. "Dare to be different, but do it safely,  along with millions of other people." Gain- I saved the best for last.

The Gain Show and Smell Challenge

This commercial basically consists of a particularly annoying man going to the doors of particularly annoying people who begin to squeal and act excited at the slightest provocation. The man asks the very annoying people to bring us some clothes that were washed in Gain and to tell us the laundry’s life story. Now, let’s look at what is really going on. Exactly why are these people excited? Because they look like idiots on TV? Because they don’t win a prize? Because they get to talk about laundry? (Or because they get paid?) Look at what this challenge actually is: We (Gain) challenge YOU to prove to US that our product works, so that if you do a good job and pass the challenge we can give you nothing.

The first piece I looked at was an etching called "The Dream and Lie of Franco," a comic strip type deal. It was very enjoyable, because if you look at it, it’s full of scribbles, jagged lines, weird proportions and is drawn in the innocent, shameless and unthinking way you draw when you’re a child. Except that he was an adult, and the power to evoke the feelings that art like that does, was a deliberate thing.

These art pieces are supposed to be very dark and foreboding, but for some reason they made me very happy. Maybe it was just because Picasso is such an obvious master of art. I arrive at this from the following observations — the fact that Picasso can create a depth and a realism in paintings that are clearly unrealistic. The fact that he can paint ridiculousness and make people see it so seriously. The fact that he can take a concept, complicate it, explicate it, make it express everything that the concept is capable of, then simplify it to the complete basics when he paints it and yet it still retains all of the depth and complexity without the extra ornaments. (You can see the process in a series of studies that lead up to "The Guernica.")

There is a detail of a horse from the painting "The Guernica" that I though was hilarious. Matt’s comment: "Time for braces!" Rebecca’s favorite was "Night Fishing at Antibus", because it was "very cute." Everybody gets their own gratification from Picasso. The cool thing about him is that you really can interpret him whichever way — it’s all there somewhere.

The exhibit is fairly large — there are five rooms. It is quite tiring, but it really gets inside you. When I went for the second time I was reluctant to leave. (Even though the person I went with embarrassed the hell out of me by making loud and rather odd interpretations.) I had to pay $9 for the second visit and I’m not complaining, so it must’ve been worth it.