Ezekiel Drear had an astronaut sneer
And a drunkard's taste for outer space beer
The testy spaceman's smile was a dare;
It had that particular astronaut flair.
With a six-shooter Taser he rode out of Texas
On a Japanese horse by the name of Old Lexus
One night he up and left his girl MaryLou
Who swore to high heaven all the things that she'd do
She threatened her man til the break of dawn
But she'd done gone hoarse, and he'd just done gone.
On Jupiter's moon, one day at high noon
Drear walked through the doors of a cosmonaut saloon.
He eyed the clientele and the Russian bartender
Sizing them up, looking for a contender.
Old Zeke set himself down on a ratty barstool
And ordered a beer and looked round real cool
He caught the gaze of an alien nearby
The kind of guy who'd made a few Martians die
Before he knew it the alien was charging up
Onto Drear's table, overturning his cup
Drear was quick; the alien was quicker
But Drear was enraged by the loss of his liquor
They had each other in a deadly lock
Their sour breaths hung in the air as they each took
stock
Suddenly the alien shoved him down to the floor
And our hero Zeke was chilled sober to the core
Suddenly old man Zeke was petrified with fear--
Because the alien was no alien, but MaryLou Drear!
She said, “The nice Russian astronauts gave you away
And I borrowed this suit from the MIR pod bay.”
She nagged that he'd been too long interstellar
And that she couldn't live proper without her feller
So she dragged him on back to the Texas homestead
Where she chained his ankles to the foot of the bed.
The moral of the story is, of course,
Don't trust the Russians to keep your whereabouts
secret from your wife.
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