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I have seen hell, and it is a movie.
This is the worst movie ever made. Ever. I feel ill simply thinking
about it, and I fear the hemorrhoids may return during the writing of this
article, but I feel also that it is my duty to warn the masses.
We arrived at the Mighty Clay in hopes of seeing a film so bad it's
good. However, this Stone in the Kidney of the Universe surpasses that
point and goes further than we could have possibly imagined: it's so
bad, it's bad.
Maybe we should have guessed when the contests before the movie were
"projectile vomit target practice" and "siren
makeover." It seemed innocent enough, making people spit mouthfuls of
a mixture of Lucky Charms, Cool Whip and pickle juice into a papier-mache
toilet, and dressing my little brother up as a woman...little did we
know how sinister it would really be. I begin to feel the discomfort of
dysentery just thinking about it.
The premise for this disease is this: in the 23rd century, beauty has
been outlawed. So, to enforce this, the government has banned the use of
make-up and similar such implements. There has developed a group of
rebels called the Victims of the 23rd Century, a ragtag group of
painted-faced, viking-hat-and-silk-undergarment clad women who engage
in guerrilla warfare on enforcers of anti-beauty law in order to achieve
their purpose of legalizing professional modeling. Please shoot me.
This militia is headed by a blue-wigged, Chanel-suit-wearing
narcissist of a woman, whose minions spend their days learning when to cut
or grow out bangs, how to deal with a thick waist (safety scissors?)
and of course, the art of bulimia. Speaking of which, I feel a retching
spell coming on.
***
So, here we have the society and renegades, as described above. This
introduction took maybe ten, fifteen minutes. And this is the point where
Ed was hiding under his jacket, Mark was crying, Glen was catatonic,
and Neima and I were clinging to each other for dear life. The running
time for the movie is 86 minutes. I know because we counted.
Meanwhile, there is this princess named Helen. This is the part where
we get into the exaggerated, nonsensical yet unoriginal metaphors. She is
betrothed to a man in a pointy Nazi-style helmet named Troy. She is
apparently so beautiful she doesn't even have to wear make-up (which is
exactly why her eyelids are bright orange). Imagine that! So, she runs
away from home to escape this marriage, and goes to seek out the
blue-haired renegade woman. Once she does, the guerrilla queen takes her
in and promptly develops a Helen-obsession. Oh, no. There goes the
internal bleeding again.
***
I don't really remember much else in particular. There was something
about a Jesus metaphor, involving a woman named Lilith promoting a
sex-slave/Madonna in the '80s style of "beauty" for the
renegades. Aside from that, there was a lot of color, insanity,
near-nudity, semi-sex scenes, nonfat frozen desserts, closeup shots on
half-exposed breasts, a few fight scenes, a near-female circumcision, and
a number of other insults to humanity. I am so cold and alone.
Why?
Why?
I think I need to go remove my eyes with a rusty spoon. I shiver.
Don't ever, ever see this movie. Don't agree under any circumstances to
suffer the intellectual abuse this film delivers. Please, it hurts.
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