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Looking back, the only real worry Ive ever had is having a long friendship. To
be honest I am not really looking for a girlfriend,
although it would be nice to have one. I am afraid in the future that I will
not have someone on my side helping me out when I need it.
I very rarely have been picked to join teams and work groups, because people
want to stick with whom they know and the cliques that
they belong to. I dont belong to any group or clique besides BAM, so I am not
picked to join that particular work group. Then, I need to
go through the indignity of being put on a work group by a teacher. Much of the
time I do get jealous of the close friendships that I
see throughout the school. When I see boyfriends and girlfriends holding hands,
and or kissing, which really hurts because it makes me
ask myself why I dont have a friendship like that.
My parents never encouraged me to make friends, so I have been spoiled rotten
because I never had to share because I always dominate
whatever I do. I also did not have contact with peers until the first or second
grade. In my two years of kindergarten and First grade,
I was illiterate and could only speak Cantonese, so things were really hard for
me, because I went to an elementary school where I was
virtually the only Asian person there and no one could communicate with me,
that lead to many misunderstandings with bullies and the
like. My mother taught me never to fight and I followed that to the letter, if
I had not, then I would not have been picked on so much
in elementary school.
For me, it does not seem to be as easy making friends, long lasting ones
anyway. Sure, I can talk trash with a group of people for a
while, but if I have nothing to say, I go away, to my own secret hiding place
within me, where I can wallow in self-pity. I see starts
of long friendships at BAM, but the problem is that I rarely hang out with the
members outside of meetings and I know that is not a very
good start. Well, better starts than the previous years anyway. I have put up
more shields then the Starship Enterprise. I can talk with
a particular "friend" for the school year, but when they move on, so do I.
Those shields keep me from getting hurt, but they also stunt
my growth as a human. So, I really have not confided in anyone besides adults,
to some extent and to some extent that is unhealthy. I
understand that I am still young and all, but most people my age already have
had love interests, best friends and many other
things.
Looking forward, I still have the same worry that Ive had since I was a young
boy when I didnt speak the language of my peers. I have
just about given up trying to make friends in high school, and aim for college,
because it is too difficult now and I need to
concentrate on my studies. Life goes on, and the more I dwell on this issue,
the more difficult my life will be.
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