I was on a hiking trip one day in a beautiful national park in Washington
with some friends. As we walked up to this cave, a crazy guy out of it,
walked up to us and started ranting and mumbling.
"Women are EVIL!!!" He screamed at us as he pushed the women in the group
away from the cave where he seemed to be living. "Are you here to torture
me too?! Please just GO AWAY!" He was hysterical and we were all confused
by his hostility toward women. Soon, all the women walked away from the
cave quickly, unable to endure his piercing cries and hating eyes any
longer. The guys were allowed to stay behind, but puzzled by his hatred
toward women. We decided to ask him why this was so. Eric (that was his
name) invited us into the cave and started to tell his sad (I found it
very amusing) tale.
Eric hated relationships. He hadn't always hated relationships, nor did he
hate women. He had actually liked a woman just over a week ago. However,
he was very much afraid to get involved with women, afraid that this woman
who seemed so perfect for him might be…abnormal. In other words, a freak.
He always seemed to attract, and is attracted to, women who seemed
absolutely normal at a glance, but actually had a bizarre, and sometimes
scary, secret.
Take, for example, Brie, who actually had only one breast because she'd
had breast cancer and had to remove her left breast by surgery. She
stuffed her bra with tissue paper, which wasn't the wisest thing to do. No
wonder she always left a trail of tissues wherever she went. He should
have taken a hint that something was wrong when she suddenly had a
deflated breast after going swimming. He didn't break up with her over
this matter, but she moved away to another country so she could help the
unfortunate. He felt this was admirable and it was a truly sad goodbye.
Ariella was a beautiful and fairly successful businesswoman who owned a
line of her own clothing shops. She was perfect, but things came to an end
one day because she jumped to the conclusion that Eric was cheating on her
when she saw him kiss a beautiful model for Victoria's Secret in front of
his house. On the cheeks, and the model was his cousin. Ariella got
jealous much too quickly and lost her temper, refusing to listen to his
pleadings and explanations. In her rage, she threw things at him and one
of them had been an arm.
Yes, an arm, and it was Ariella's.
She'd lost one arm due to a car crash that crushed her arm and had to
replace with a plastic and metal one. He should have noticed something was
strange when she did everything with her right hand and never lifted her
left arm.
Cassi was very sweet, although a bit temperamental and had random
outbursts about hating God. He was very shocked when he visited her to
find out that she worshipped Satan. Her house was eerily lit with only
candles and she had an altar with food offerings for Satan. It might not
have been so bad, if she only didn't want to sacrifice him and have him up
there on the altar too. He hightailed it out of there before you could say
"666."
It was a month after they broke up that he learned that her house had
burned down when the earthquake that hit the town knocked her candles
down. She insists it was Satan's punishment to her for not offering him
sacrifices. Of course, it had nothing to do with the fact that YOU
SHOULDN'T LEAVE LIT CANDLES ALL OVER YOUR HOUSE! It's a miracle her house
survived that long already and he felt no sympathy toward the woman who
wanted to offer him to Lucifer.
Eric was starting to get weary of women by this time, but decided to give
it a try with Naomi. Naomi was an incredible woman who was smart,
beautiful and elegant. It didn't matter to him that she was about ten
years older than him. She was still a great person to be around and every
moment he spent with her was pure bliss.
That only lasted for a month because after that month, her husband came
back from his business trip to Japan and stumbled in on the two of them
making out on the couch. He was oddly calm and just said, "Tadaima,
Naomi." I'm home, Naomi. Finding out she had a husband already, Eric was
furious. Eric had learned a bit of Japanese from all the anime he watched
(he looooved anime), so he calmed down when she said, "Okaeri, niisama."
Welcome home, brother. So when she went up to the man, he thought she'd
just be helping him with his luggage, but instead, she put her arms around
him and kissed him passionately. Right in front of poor, shaken Eric.
He thought of becoming a monk then, or maybe a priest. Anything that'd
keep him from getting involved with women. But he just couldn't do it. He
started to like the hot, new girl in the office. She had a great
personality, though her voice was a bit weird. He was so happy to have
finally found someone he could perhaps come to love.
One day, he invited her over for dinner and that was when he found out.
She had gone into the bathroom. He was preparing dinner when he suddenly
had an urge to use the bathroom. He didn't know she was in there and
barged in, only to find a man. He screamed his head off and threatened to
call the police and ranted on about how he had a black belt in Karate. It
was only when Eric heard him speak that he knew. Klariss was a man.
Poor Eric never recovered.
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