I just hang my head in silence with thoughts of self-pity and loathing as
I listen to you drone on and on about how pathetic I am. I know I'm
pathetic, you tell me so everyday. I don't listen to you but just nod once
in a while because I've learned that this is the best way. I've learned to
shut out things I don't want to or need to hear. They're all just
meaningless words to me that go through one ear and out the other.
I think of me, useless even to you, who I also loathe and I begin to feel
those tears swell up and I fight hard to control the flood that threatens
to pour out. I feel so unwanted, so unneeded by anyone. Am I really so
useless to everyone? Am I just a burden to everyone? I suddenly feel a
sharp pain on the back of my head and I revert back to the present, just
in time to hear you say, "Don't ever do this again, understand? Or next
time it'll be worse!" These words mean nothing to me because I hear them
everyday. I haven't done anything wrong and yet you hurt me. Just a
littlest mistake will set off your trigger of abusive words and with that,
soon follows the physical abuse.
I sit there feeling sorry for myself and I'm on the verge of crying, when
you whack me yet again. This time, it's for being lazy, for just sitting
there, being useless. That sharp pain brings me out of my funk, but the
pain numbs me and the shock makes me lose control and those tears pour out
against my will. I look up and see through the drops of tears and even
through the blurred vision, I see why it had hurt so much. I was hit with
the sharp edge of a ruler.
You sigh, then signs of anger show on your reddened face as you rage about
how all I'm good for is a bucket of tears and how we'll all drown in a sea
of my tears one day. I thought about it. A sea of tears, huh? That doesn't
seem so bad…sometimes I've had the shameful thought that it'd be nice
indeed if you did drown in a sea of tears you've caused me to cry and just
disappear forever out of my life.
But I think back again, to those days when I first arrived at your house.
You seem to hate me now, but back then, you were still kind and your face
was filled with kindness and a warm smile for me. I felt safe with you and
felt like I finally might belong somewhere.
You were still nice then, but somewhere along the way, you started to use
that monthly check from the government that was meant to take care of me
instead for gambling. Tired of losing all the time, you'd come home drunk
and take out your frustrations on me. Thinking you'd win the next time and
the next, your hopes would always be crushed by the harsh truth of defeat;
you've lost everything you'd saved.
In the beginning, I thought I'd just endure the pain for a while, that
you'd transform back into your old self, but now I see I was just
mistaken. I realize now that perhaps you don't hate me at all; you just
feel lost and confused. You have a problem and I don't need to be treated
that way, beaten up everytime I made even one error. I realize I need to
get help, for both you and me, because I can't help you solve your
problems alone. You'll protest and deny that you have a problem, but in
the end, it'll be good for you.
I'm only doing this because I loved you as if you were my real dad. I
loved the old you, but not the new you that makes me feel dread as I wake
up to the warm sunshine in the morning. I don't love the new you that is
standing before me, face filled with red anger, eyes filled with madness,
lips wearing a scowl and a mouth that can only spew out nasty words.
I'll get you help because I want the old you back. I know if I get help,
we can become a family again and maybe I'll get to stay with you, instead
of always changing families and schools. I want to be here with you, my
family.
I get up off the couch and go into my room and ransack through my
backpack. I look for the number of a hotline that helps victims of
domestic violence that I'd hastily shoved into the bottom of my backpack
since that time I received it a week earlier from school. I pick up the
phone and start to dial those numbers full of hope for a future with the
you that'll welcome me home with a smile and a warm hug instead of a nasty
frown and a chilling glare.
|
