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I started wearing pants the other day, and let me tell you, boy are they
great! I would highly recommend them for casual, social, and even
work-related activities. The advantages over bare legs are innumerable.
Firstly, they keep harmful UV rays away from tender skin, which can help
prevent skin cancer, secondly, they provide a thin but reliable layer of
protection from abrasion and chemical burns, thirdly, they are an invaluable
form of insulation on blustery days, and fourthly, they protect a modest or
misshapen lower-body from the prying eyes of perverts and gawkers. I, for
one, can hardly imagine life without pants.
Another cool thing about pants,
which many people don't know, is that they are often replete with string,
which can come in handy in tight situations. Take this hypothetical, for
example: You are lost on a desert island with only four days of supplies and
a talking doll for company. There is no apparent means of communication with
the outside world. Despair? No! As long as you've brought your pants
along, there's nothing to worry about! Most pants can be unraveled to yield
many meters of thread, which can be put to use in catching fish and opening
lines of telegraphic communication with other nearby desert islands. Bon
appetit!
Some people will warn you against
pants. Some people like to go without pants or use other forms of
leg-protection. While I'm an open-minded person, these people are wrong.
Pants provide the best comfort and utility. Period. Some people say that
pants are a "gateway garment," leading to use of "harder"
garments such as waders, overalls, and lederhosen. These people are wrong
too. I've been wearing pants for a week now, and know people who have been
wearing them for years, and only one of them tried lederhosen once and said
that they chafed.
My personal experience with pants
has been an overall positive one, and I'll prove to you that pants are the
thing for you. Once, before I was wearing pants, I got my thigh stuck on a
meat-hook. If I had been wearing pants, this wouldn't have happened. Once
when my little neighbor Sally wasn't wearing pants, she couldn't get out of
her house when it was burning down, and her mother hung herself. If she
had been wearing pants, this tragedy would never have taken place. You can
prevent similar tragedies from happening by wearing pants and telling all of
your friends to do the same.
If you decide to give pants a
try, I have a few recommendations for you. Probably most important is that
you should get real pants, not shorts or anything. Shorts are just like
pants, but they're not as good. Also, you should make sure that you get pants
with pockets in them. There's nothing more annoying than having to ask a
friend to hold your wallet while you ride the mechanical bull because
there aren't any pockets in your pants. Seriously, if you're wearing pants,
why not have some pockets in them? Anything else is just sort of dumb. Also,
you should make sure you get new pants. A lot of stores will try to sell you
old used pants for more money. Don't fall for this. You can tell if they're
used because they will have lighter worn-out patches. And maybe most
important is that you get pants that fit! I know it sounds silly, but you
would be amazed how many people I see walking around with pants that are just
way too big! I can even see their undies on underneath, and that pretty much
defeats the whole purpose of pants!!
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