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Liberals fight for 'rights.' Marriage rights, the right to choose,
immigrant rights, voting rights-these have been at the top of the liberal
agenda for a long time. I'm all for rights. They're way cool. They make
people who exercise them happy, and I think people should be happy. Problem
is, they don't do anything for the people that don't exercise them; they just
kind of sit there, like a bad simile on the sofa of righteous outrage.
We wonder at the massive red tide sweeping over our country. Can't
the unwashed masses see that we know what's best for them? My theory is
simply that, living in the middle of the country with nothing but wheat
fields for entertainment, Midwesterners don't want any more boredom in their
lives (Liberals can radiate stagnation at mortal levels for people of the
mid-country). They're going with the most exciting political force out there,
the Christian right. The country is under siege! We need to defend freedom!
And Jesus! Conservatism is way Xtreme, when you think about it.
Conservatives have the whole 'political struggle' thing down pat.
They pick something people like, and decide that the liberals are attacking
it. If you're in the boring part of the country (anywhere but this author's
pants, and possibly both coastlines), this noble crusade is a much more
appealing cause to back. Are you going to fight for other people having the
option to do something as mundane as marry, or are you going to defend
freedom?You do like freedom, don't you? Duck!
Life's just more interesting when you think there's a war on. In
return for excitement way above that provided by daytime TV, the right gets
to count on big heartland support for all their causes, no matter how loony.
I think this strategy could work for the left, too. As long as we figure out
some way to occupy the middle of the country, we'll have all the votes we
want. We don't have to give up our values; we just need to spice things up.
You'd think one of those whiny commie professors would be able to put X and
treme together, but apparently they've lost touch with America. This nation
is an open sore of angsty youth begging for stimulation, and the Democratic
party needs to become the lemony salt for their festering wound. In a good
way. We'll need some innovative new programs. America, the Beautiful: out.
Vince McMahon's XSA (Xtreme States of America): way in. Let's check out how
some of the rules will change.
Duels. Screw our culture of litigation, where we'll
sue just because we can, and walk out of a conflict with an arbitrary amount
of another person's money, often paid by an insurance company. After all, as
a wise man once said, "Replace not your sword nor pistol with the court
of law; it's a bitch of a time getting it in the holster."Democratic
value advanced: equality. No matter the color of your skin or y-ality of your
chromosomes, anyone can step onto the hallowed nondiscriminatory ground of
the Federal Court of Bloodball, overseen by the honorable Justice Payne.
Sex icons. The dems need to look for some smokin'
leaders. Johnny Depp for president. Automatically grabs the housewife vote,
the Disney vote, and the all-important pirate vote (fortunately, ninjas don't
vote). Chuck Norris as VP. There's 58% of the AARP, plus his roundhouse kick
can make any filibuster filibusted. Democratic value advanced: honest
campaigns. These men will be elected because of their fame and good looks,
and will do so unapologetically and completely in the open. They can be
candid in speeches and interviews because their political views are in no way
relevant to their election.
Congress meets American Idol meets shock therapy.
Every elected representative wears a shock collar. If over 50% of their
constituents finds them dull, ignoble, or otherwise unworthy of their office,
they get a little zap. No behavior improvement, and CSPAN gets a little more
exciting as the Speaker recognizes the spasming lump from Illinois.
Democratic value advanced: legislative accountability. Washington is only a
few million text messages away from frying.
Discrimination. Everyone loves to keep groups of
people from doing things. While it's widely accepted at this point that
discrimination on the basis of gender, race, height, disability, sexual
preference, religion, and the like is intolerable, there are still fun
avenues of stereotyping and systematic oppression we've yet to explore. We
simply need to find groups universally reviled, like people who talk on cell
phones in the movies. The old discrimination didn't work because it
ostracized groups of people for wholly harmless traits. With the new
discrimation, we'll know the people society is keeping down. Whether NAMBLA
members, road ragers, or people whose email addresses end with a long string
of numbers, once identified, they would be subject to lower hiring rates,
dirty looks from concerned mothers, and with any luck, riding at the back
of the bus.
Empty promises. Everybody loves them. Whether it's
continuing low taxes or the prospect of an afterlife, we just want to
believe. Set your deadlines far enough away, and with the increasing number
of television plotlines taking up people's memory these days, no one will
remember what exactly it was you guaranteed they'd have. "Of course I
promised you genocide! No, it was my opponent who guaranteed universal
health care. Well, which of us came through?"
Simply make your goals immeasurable and vague, and you're golden.
"I promise to increase the pizza supply 10% during my presidency."
News flash: The people that really, really care about pizza tend not to be
the people that really, really care about accurate statistics.
So is Liberalism dead in America? Well, yes, but only as dead as
a TV flat-liner, that is, fully recoverable with some good music, a close-up,
and a few chest compressions. Just point your nearest haughty, droning,
politically correct democratic leader my way, and I'll straighten them out.
Twenty years from now, generic inclusive Supreme Being willing, the XSA
will blossom into a beautiful rose of equality, toleration, and wholesome
entertainment.
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