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I myself have dealt with oppressive and irrational authority figures
many times during my life and, while I understand their motives, I find their
actions reprehensible. To you parents that must know your kids' whereabouts
at all times, who feel justified in invading your kids' privacy, who feel
that house arrest is a viable alternative to love and trust, I write this
for you. And to all you hot-tempered, irrational parents, I write this in the
hope that its rational argument will help to illustrate your kids' views a
little more clearly.
As kids approach adolescence, they will change. They will no longer
obey your every command and they will begin to shut you out of their life.
This is natural and healthy. Kids need to learn how to think for themselves,
how to live independently, and how to weigh risks and make responsible
choices. You may be thinking, "My kid is too young." Too young for
what? To start practicing? If this is your train of thought then you might be
one of those parents who would be quite content to have your "baby"
live with you until you die. Well, I assure you, if your kid is not allowed
to start experiencing the world for him or herself then not only will they
fail to learn many life lessons, but they will succeed in learning how to
resent you. In many cultures there are proverbs saying, in so many words:
You cannot learn by others' experiences, only your own. Do not confuse this
with instructions to step out of your kids' lives. It is merely a suggestion
to stand back and allow some leeway. In my experience, guidance from a
distance is a much more successful parenting tool than either lack of
guidance or authoritarianism. Teenagers' independence is by no means an
insignificant thing. It is their pride, their life and their sanity.
Often parents justify their actions by saying that they are
protecting their children. At this I can only laugh. Unless you want your
kids to hate you, you have to give them some freedom, and unless you take
away all their freedom, you cannot protect them. Anyway, parental fears are
often irrational. Nowadays people are killed somewhat indiscriminately and
women raped on their own block. It's a dangerous world and one day, all of
us teenagers are going to be living in it without you, so you might as well
get used to it. Plus, the restrictions you place on your kids are often the
cause of their rebellions, not the cure. There is a saying, "kids will
be kids." It's true. It is almost impossible to keep people from doing
things that they want to do. If you attempt to place harsh restrictions on
your kids, they will be more likely to slip out of your grasp, and, in doing
so, you destroy the only real control you have, which is that of respect.
It is then that they begin to lie to you, going about their business as
usual. If you want to know what's going on in your teens' lives, you will
find that communication is much more effective than espionage.
Communication is the single most important factor in any
relationship, including a parent-teen relationship. And by communication I do
not mean you telling your daughter how things are and then shouting her down
as she tries to give you her perspective. You must learn to listen. Teens,
after all, know their motives better than you do. While we are inexperienced
and perhaps a little confused, telling us what we think and how we feel is
not the way to get us to change our behavior. Instead, ask us what we are
thinking or how we are feeling. If we don't answer, perhaps it is because you
often react to what we say in such a way as to make us not want to tell you
things about ourselves and our lives, for fear you will get angry. After all,
would you rather your kid smokes pot and you know that he does it
responsibly and moderately or would you rather not know what he does and
worry all the time. When you cut off communication, you cut yourself off from
the most accurate source of information pertaining to your child, forcing
them to hide their true self from you and to lie.
Take me for example; when I was fourteen I was going out with a girl
whose mother would not let us be alone with each other for fear that we were
having intercourse. Eventually we started traversing the dangerous city
streets to visit each other at night. You see, kids will find a way to do
what they want. It is their nature, and if it makes their authoritarian
parents angry, so much the better. My girlfriend's mother's problem was that
she did not believe her daughter when she told her that we were not having
sex. (For the record, we were not.)
Honesty is probably the next most important factor in a
relationship. It is built on trust, which is built on respect. If you do not
respect your children, their privacy or their friends, then how can you
expect them to respect you? Respect is mutual, and if you treat your children
with it, allowing them to have their privacy and opinions, and keeping
within their boundaries, they will be more likely to do the same for you. For
instance, if you set double standards for your children, don't expect them
not to complain. After all, you are refusing to compromise, refusing to make
a respectful, mutual arrangement.
On the issue of sexuality, let me say that more of your kids are
having sex than you probably know about, as it is one of the least shared
details of a teen's life. This has more to do with the left-over puritanical
belief that sex is wrong. It is a natural urge and, if practiced safely and
responsibly, quite enjoyable. I understand that many religious people object
to their children having sex or even masturbating. It is my belief that
you should not force your views on anyone, even your own child. After all, if
you raised them within a religious setting and it didn't take by now, then
what makes you think that it ever will? Eventually, we all have to look at
life for ourselves and choose our own path. Instead of trying to keep your
kids from sex, try educating them about it. Because I assure you, someday
your kids will have sex and it is quite possible that it will not be with
your approval. Would you rather they did it safely or would you rather they
brought a life into the world or spread a disease.
Drugs are another concern for a lot of parents. First let me say
that drugs are not good for you. I agree with that, but then again we can't
always be expected to do what is good for us. Next, let me say that all drugs
are not equal. Do not, upon catching your child with a bong, freak out as if
he was smoking crack. Have a talk with your kid about it. Try and
understand why he does it and find out how often. If you let fear of the
unknown, or even fear of the known, control the way you deal with your kid
then you are letting your fears dictate their life. Sometimes kids will do
something that they know their parents hate simply to make them angry or show
that they cannot be controlled.
The most significant point is that you can't really control your
kids. You can control their behavior for a while but only up to a point, and
after that, wouldn't you like to be on good terms with your child. People
always tell me what a good relationship my mother and I have. We do have a
good relationship. She has been my lighthouse during a turbulent
adolescence. She is not a pushover and she is not authoritarian. She is
strong, dependable and respectful of my life. That is the secret to our
relationship. Humor, trust and respect.
An excerpt from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet sums up everything I
have been saying. An excellent book, I suggest it to readers of all ages.
And a woman who held a babe against
her bosom said, Speak to us of Children,
And he
said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life s longing for
itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong
not to you.
You may give them your love but not
your thoughts.
For they have their own
thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not
their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house
of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them
like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries
with yesterday.
You are the bows from which
your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and
He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He
loves also the bow that is stable.
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