Maybe it's a small world or maybe all the loose ends in our lives will
get tied up eventually. Like the one song that's bothered you for years
that you finally figure out the name of. Like your favorite shirt that
reappeared out of nowhere. Like the friends that went away and came back.
(And the ones that thankfully never did.) Like the guy you were in love
with for so long whose attention arrives fashionably late.
A little less than a year ago, I was dissed by the subject of this story.
Generally, I don't think of myself as someone who is very dependent on
the opposite sex; in fact, I rather appreciate being alone. So I said
I that didn't care, but getting dissed always hurts. A lot. And I was
miserable.
But time heals all wounds, and since he left school, I rarely saw him,
and I slowly got over it, even started trusting some people again. Life
stopped being dreary and depressing all the time, and became confusing
and hectic as it should be. Then about two weeks ago, there he is. Randomly
at school and randomly talking to me. And I get this feeling that
maybe this time he's not playing with my head.
The next thing I know, we're spending time with each other. And I'm really
enjoying it. (In my twisted sort of way.) Usually when you spend time
with someone, you become disillusioned really fast because you realize
that they have nothing interesting to say. But I'm finding that there's
things to say even when there's nothing to talk about, and it physically
hurts me to say good-bye.
It's exciting, but it's damn scary. Why? It all seems so perfect,
doesn't it? But, is he lying? I don't know. How can you find out? You
can't. Well, don't get emotionally involved. Too late.
The other thing I've noticed is that when people are happy or excited
they have a greater tendency to do stupid things. The things may not matter
at the time, but in about a week they start to catch up. I know I'm
going to have problems balancing him with my friends and with school.
I know I'll be happy and then he'll do something to devastate me for
weeks to come. But when you're happy, you don't have the time or the
patience to rationalize.
On the other hand, everything I see around me blatantly says --- don't
get into a relationship! All of my friends, none of whom are mature enough
for it, get into relationships. All of them act like they're 40 and
scared to death of living alone. All of them fight, take each other
for granted and break up in a month. It all seems a trifle pointless;
a bunch of extra crap we have to deal with for no reason. Is it worth
it? And if so, isn't there a better way?
Having been single for about a year and a half (excluding, of course,
my numerous flings on the side), this is too crazy for me. Do I just break
it off now? Do I risk getting hurt? Do I believe the wonderful things
that happen, even if that means trusting him and myself? Most importantly,
is this love or lust? I don't know, and I hesitate to say that anyone
ever will.
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