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About two years ago I wrote an article for Bamboozled, "This Girl'sLife" it
was called. It was about this huge argument that my mother and Igot into over
some very pointless issues. If you are aquatinted with it,you would know that I
never concluded - that it finished with me runningfrom my house and "not looking
back." This was very true at the time. Ididn't look back for two weeks and spent
that time contemplating andanalyzing the situation at a friend's place. When I
did return my motherand I were very careful of what we said and did when
speaking to eachother. Any hand gesture, quick eye movement, change in breath
pattern,etc. was noted by us both and carefully recorded in the "How to get
herlater" book of un-healthy mother-daughter relationships. This continuedfor
several months and eventually we both lightened-up. But the fact ofthe matter is
that both my mother and I love chaos. We revel in it. Needit. Thrive by it.
Without it we are empty and due to the fact, quitebored. Simple arguments began
to slowly creep to the surface and spending'quality time' became even more
charming than the pre- "This girl's life"days.
Random Info: I was thought
to have the "Evil Eye" when I was an infant.A Cuban nanny of mine tried
desperately to cure me through an ancientritual, cleansing me with incense, oils
and other ritualistic necessities.She seemed content when she was done and was
no longer terrified oflittle me after that. My mother firmly believes that my
actions are not tobe blamed on the super-natural, I tend to agree. Perhaps I do
the things Ido because I'm naturally evil. Because I need to feel power and
controlover people in my life and do cruel things to achieve it. After having
oneof our pleasant discussions, I decided that I needed to hurt her
withsomething that she could not manipulate or destroy. It took me a while
tofind what that was, but when I did, I knew it was solid: The Truth. Therewere
many things that my mother was completely clueless to about my life.I needed
something that would make her feel worthless, like she so oftenmade me. It hit
me that one of the most important things to me in lifewill be my children. That
my desire to mother and to be a mother isstronger than anything else in my
world. I explained earlier that mymother and I are very similar. Motherly
instincts in us both are evidentin nearly every situation we are in, expect of
course, with each other. Sothere it was. I knew how to hurt her and make her
feel like utter shit, toshow that she had failed me as a mother.
In a
heated argument I patiently directed the course and waited for mychance to bite.
When I did, she was silent. She stared at me like she hadno idea who I was. A
stranger in her own home had grabbed her heart andpierced it. I couldn't
breathe. She wouldn't talk to me for days and whenshe finally did it was in
random outbursts, "You lying, thieving littleslut!!!," "You've had us live a
lie!!". I couldn't respond. I felt thethings she was saying were all true and
that I needed to repent for I hadgravely sinned. I came upon her crying and she
asked me what she had donewrong, where she had failed and what could she do to
help. I'd done it. Ifound the evilness inside me and used it to sting and bite
relentlessly. Ifelt terrible and I tried to tell her that it wasn't all that
bad. ThatI'd changed and..... and.....and......
I would think that after
totally demolishing the ties that hold ustogether time and time again, that
ultimately they would brake forever. Sofar, that's proved to be wrong. The shit,
the pointless arguments, pettycompetitions, attacks, etc. etc. have only made
our alliance stronger. Itseems trauma brings people together, and being that is
what we base ourconnection on, I've never been closer with her. I have always
believedthat in any relationship honesty is the policy, but I had never
reallyimplemented that belief into my family life until this happened. Once
Idid, my mother, after much drama, seemed to understand me. She became
moresympathetic with how I responded to certain situations that she couldnever
before understand, she gave me more breaks and offered to help inareas of my
life that were formally off-limits. Honesty is veryfrightening. It can be like
opening a wound or a door. Depending on thepath you take it is rewarding or
painful. I can't give directions, but Ican give advice: Keep an open mind TEENS
AND PARENTS. Be understanding andshow you care. |
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