truth

Attention and Warning

I heard the echoes of all the warning voices in my head. They kept telling me what to do. They told me which path to take. They were all rational in a way and I still ignored them. All my friends, I knew they loved me and wanted what was best for me. However, I chose to ignore their warnings. I endured the pain for over two months. In addition, I neglected them and I chose love over the friendships I held close to my heart for so long. And for what? Nothing.

I woke up on that Tuesday morning. It was 10:00 a.m. and it was too early for waking on a spring break day, but later than waking up for school on a usual weekday. I lazily roamed my apartment probing the shelves for some breakfast food. I found the cereal and milk and sat at the dining room table.

My heart seemed to sink lower in my chest as time passed and I dug my spoon into my cereal, started to crunch, and then munch on my Multigrain Cheerios. I reflected on the past two months. I used to be so happy and carefree about everything. I had found someone to call my boyfriend and he tried everything to make me happy. Yet, I still was not.

During the past two months, I fell deeper into a hole I could not climb out of by myself. I never saw my boyfriend at all during that time except for four days out of two months. He went to school in San Bruno, lived in South San Francisco, and worked two days a week in San Francisco. As time went by, I realized he did not have the time to spend with me. Especially after getting into Dartmouth, the end to him and me was inevitable.

I could barely breathe after finishing my cereal. The thoughts hit me and hurt me harder than the pecking of a crow against bare skin. I started to realize that I had to end it and that my pain hurt me too much. I grew anxious and proceeded to pace around the apartment. I thought of all the advice my friends gave me. That if it was meant to be, he would come back to me even if I let him go. That we had to end it because he was going away to college and asking him to stay in California and go to University of California, Berkeley was the most selfish thing I could have done. But was it selfish to want more time with him? I did not think so. However, none of my attempts at gaining more time worked. He ignored, neglected, and evaded them. I decided that was worst than leaving him. I decided that without compromise, I could not stay with him. Was that not what relationships needed? Did they not need compromises to keep working properly?

At only seventeen years old, I did not know what relationships needed to have. My boyfriend was the first person I fell in “love” with. Even though I cared for him so much, I still had to walk away.

Somehow 6:00 p.m. came. The time passed by so quickly, I did not know what to do with myself. I stared at my T-Mobile Sidekick and automatically dialed his number without searching for it in my address book. The phone rang a couple of times and he answered it. I told him the priceless words: “We need to talk.”

It made him nervous. The kindhearted voice grew colder. He asked me to never say that phrase again because usually something bad came immediately after. I told him that it was in fact bad. I dragged in a long breath and started my story. I expressed my unhappiness about our relationship and how despite loving him, I did not know how much longer I could take it.

“Okay. So?” he responded.

The nonchalant response nearly killed me. Did he care? I immediately wondered. Did he still love me? My chest started to hurt and I felt the surge of sorrow throughout my body.

“I think it’s better if we’re just friends,” I told him in a slightly quiet voice.

“If that’s what you want.” He told me.

“Do you not care at all?” I asked him. “I don’t know what else to do.”

He was silent for a second. My question lingered still in the air. I fiddled with my fingers wishing I did not have to tell him over the phone. Wishing I could hold him in my arms and tell him that I still loved him. Without seeing his face, the words I spoke felt so impersonal. I felt like a stranger was telling him how I felt and I was watching from the outside.

“I’m extremely sad,” he told me. His voice was so small I could barely hear him. “But as of one moment ago, I’m extremely angry.”

“Angry at me?”

He outlined every single reason he was angry with me. He was mad at me because he saw a picture of me on Facebook hugging another person who was only my friend, commenting that it was romantic, and saying that I was “dreading what had to come.” He threw me into the cage of fear as he raised his voice at me.

I never expected that from him. As he yelled at me, I again felt that I was on the outside looking in. I could not believe what was happening to me. I could not comprehend why the person I fell in love with would be so angry with me all at once in heavy waves that did not cease to exist. They came rolling in faster and harder and I wanted to shrink away from them. I withstood the waves that washed over me until he hung up me, telling me to never contact him again.

In the next day, I walked around in a zombie like state. Voices entered my mind through my ears, but I was not processing them. People who spoke to me were on a completely different frequency, and I could not be bothered. Overwhelming sadness plagued me as I tried to overcome the emotions that rocked my body. I wanted to weep. I wanted to sit and curl up into a ball because regret slapped me in the face.

Would I ever know the true meaning of love if I could not even stay in a relationship with someone I really did love?