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Fear of the unknown. Once upon a time, this sinewy tendon connected our consciousness with survival. Now, its remnants render us pathetically afraid of insects, arachnids, friendly strangers, the dark, and sampling unique foods. We all know about alligator tails, spider (tarantula meat, actually) pie, scorpion lollipops, and the like. I’m talking about Phantasm Phloats.

Grab Blackberry Pomegranate Juice Squeeze and some kind of container, and do the usual. Dispatch a few scoops of Vanilla ice cream in said container, and- amuse yourself by watching the fizz slowly climb up the container walls, it’s poisonous.

Poisonously addictive! Take a swig, and you’ll remember the cherry pop days where you would mix strange foods before your mother comes in to destroy your artwork.  Enter! The bad seed of cold medicine. You will believe in magic again.  Best served with Kettle Krinkle Cut Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper Chips. That’s right (Kudos go to Michael “Bringin’ back the” Funk for suggesting the chips).

If you never had those experimental days, then your long term memories will be constructed in a few minutes. Stand proud that you have defied your comfortable and enclosed existance in the realm of food. Think of these moments, as the chips, vanilla ice cream, and carbonated fruit juice dance and slither down your throat, and remember that you have crossed the point of no return. You will never back down ever again. Close your eyes and ignore that society-constructed gagging reflex as you eat this concentrated concoction of unique.

As you devour your fears into oblivion.

I’d like to remind you all that I’m not a genius. Do not say I am a genius. Do not say “whoa, this must be the work of a genius cyborg constructed by a secret society of geniuses!” I’m not a genius, I’m just insane.