entertain

I started wearing pants the other day, and let me tell you, boy are they great! I would highly recommend them for casual, social, and even work-related activities. The advantages over bare legs are innumerable. Firstly, they keep harmful UV rays away from tender skin, which can help prevent skin cancer, secondly, they provide a thin but reliable layer of protection from abrasion and chemical burns, thirdly, they are an invaluable form of insulation on blustery days, and fourthly, they protect a modest or misshapen lower-body from the prying eyes of perverts and gawkers. I, for one, can hardly imagine life without pants.

Another cool thing about pants, which many people don’t know, is that they are often replete with string, which can come in handy in tight situations. Take this hypothetical, for example: You are lost on a desert island with only four days of supplies and a talking doll for company. There is no apparent means of communication with the outside world. Despair? No! As long as you’ve brought your pants along, there’s nothing to worry about! Most pants can be unraveled to yield many meters of thread, which can be put to use in catching fish and opening lines of telegraphic communication with other nearby desert islands. Bon appetit!

Some people will warn you against pants. Some people like to go without pants or use other forms of leg-protection. While I’m an open-minded person, these people are wrong. Pants provide the best comfort and utility. Period. Some people say that pants are a "gateway garment," leading to use of "harder" garments such as waders, overalls, and lederhosen. These people are wrong too. I’ve been wearing pants for a week now, and know people who have been wearing them for years, and only one of them tried lederhosen once and said that they chafed.

My personal experience with pants has been an overall positive one, and I’ll prove to you that pants are the thing for you. Once, before I was wearing pants, I got my thigh stuck on a meat-hook. If I had been wearing pants, this wouldn’t have happened. Once when my little neighbor Sally wasn’t wearing pants, she couldn’t get out of her house when it was burning down, and her mother hung herself. If she had been wearing pants, this tragedy would never have taken place. You can prevent similar tragedies from happening by wearing pants and telling all of your friends to do the same.

If you decide to give pants a try, I have a few recommendations for you. Probably most important is that you should get real pants, not shorts or anything. Shorts are just like pants, but they’re not as good. Also, you should make sure that you get pants with pockets in them. There’s nothing more annoying than having to ask a friend to hold your wallet while you ride the mechanical bull because there aren’t any pockets in your pants. Seriously, if you’re wearing pants, why not have some pockets in them? Anything else is just sort of dumb. Also, you should make sure you get new pants. A lot of stores will try to sell you old used pants for more money. Don’t fall for this. You can tell if they’re used because they will have lighter worn-out patches. And maybe most important is that you get pants that fit! I know it sounds silly, but you would be amazed how many people I see walking around with pants that are just way too big! I can even see their undies on underneath, and that pretty much defeats the whole purpose of pants!!