truth

What do you want to be when you grow up? So far, I’ve got it narrowed to four options – clean up crime scenes (homicide=$), postmortem examinations (the dead ones don’t scare me as much as the ones that walk), antique expert (I can travel with the Antiques Roadshow and sound educated) or be the girl that carries the ROUND 4 sign across the boxing ring. (Amateur, naturally.) Seriously, those are the realistic ones.

Come to think of it, adults don’t ask me that question anymore. Either they lost interest because I’m too old to be a child prodigy, or I’m expected to know already. I’m scared.

It’s such a stupid question when you think about it. Everyone knows approximately what they want to be – rich, famous and popular. And if you don’t, then you have nothing to worry about anyway, since you have virtually no competition. Now that that’s out of the way, I’m scared.

It finally hit me. I am almost an adult, and that is not exciting. What’s so great about it? That you can go to clubs and drink? Please, by the time it’s legal, all interest has evaporated. (Besides, the ‘fun’ stuff is still illegal and you’re close to getting to the age where acting irresponsible makes you look funny.) How about the exciting you can pay your own rent, bills and insurance?

But I’m stereotyping, and we’re trying to battle that. It’s just that my parents expect me to be serious already. They gave me the when- you’re-an-adult-you-can-do-whatever-you-want-we-just-want-you- to-be-happy speech already. (Liars, they already have my successful life planned out.)

What’s scary is knowing ahead of time that in five years I’ll be saying – if only I knew then what I know now. What’s scary is coming to the realization that whatever you choose to do, you have to have money. However you get it, money = survival; for farmers, accountants and homeless alike. What’s scary is that all the fun you have is a mindless distraction, and all the time you spend working makes you dull. And in the end they both lead to the same thing. I’m scared. Thoreau said that we do not ride the railroad, it rides on us. Working for money, what are you doing? That’s your life you’re spending. (But if you cherish ever moment, all it seems to do is become tedious.)

I don’t want to get sentimental. I love money, but I hate working, just a link in the endless chain of people trying to get something for nothing. I guess what really scares me is that I can’t do that anymore because it’s almost time. If you want to be a good person, you’ve got to pay your debts.