truth

Feria Commercials

This new breakthrough in hair coloring technology (which in the context of television commercials is equivalent to rocket science) advertises an end to flat color. Call me a skeptic, but I’ve never noticed color having volume. How exactly can color be flat? It can be dull, and it can be faded but please tell me, what exactly is flat color? If someone can show me flat color or color with a volume, I will eat my words with a fork and knife. (Literally.)

Big Red Commercials

When the announcer says that, "No little cinnamon gum freshens breath longer than Big Red", a hand holds up the tiniest stick of gum I have ever seen. Oops, I’m wrong, the tiniest stick of gum I have NEVER seen. Have you or anyone you know seen sticks of gum that size? Are they sold or manufactured? Why is Big Red so adamant about competing with a product that doesn’t exist?

Phone Companies

At first, it was 10-321, and we thought, hey, we can handle this. Now, it’s 10-10-321, and a whole bunch of other confusing numbers we can’t remember. California ranks 48th in math comprehension and ability in the country. Please take your numbers and leave us poor math challenged people alone. We honestly can’t tell the difference between or care about the six or more different companies now competing with each other.

Shoe Commercials

It’s very interesting how a shoe commercial’s main focus is on a person breaking all the rules and boundaries supposedly set by an oppressive society. "Buy our shoes", they say. "Dare to be different, but do it safely,  along with millions of other people." Gain- I saved the best for last.

The Gain Show and Smell Challenge

This commercial basically consists of a particularly annoying man going to the doors of particularly annoying people who begin to squeal and act excited at the slightest provocation. The man asks the very annoying people to bring us some clothes that were washed in Gain and to tell us the laundry’s life story. Now, let’s look at what is really going on. Exactly why are these people excited? Because they look like idiots on TV? Because they don’t win a prize? Because they get to talk about laundry? (Or because they get paid?) Look at what this challenge actually is: We (Gain) challenge YOU to prove to US that our product works, so that if you do a good job and pass the challenge we can give you nothing.